Throw it away....forget yesterday.....

[Alisha]

Silas shrugged, smiling a tiny sheepish smile while glancing down at the table. “I know it’s kind of stupid.” He said, looking back up at her. He was becoming a little nerve-wracked, if only for nothing but sharing a little something about himself that he found quite embarrassing when he spoke it aloud. Though, he had a sneaking suspicion she might have had something to do with it as well. “Someone like me writing their feelings out, it sounds stupid, right?” Silas ran a hand into his hair before dropping it to his side. “I don’t know, but it helps me.” He got the words out before going silent again for a few minutes, just pondering the thoughts roaming around in his head as she spoke. At the mention of how she always did what her parents wanted, Silas frowned a little. He knew what it was like to have expectations thrown at you, but he didn’t know what it was like to give in to them. He had always stayed true to what he wanted, and even though that was the reason he was estranged from his father, he still wouldn’t change a thing.

His minute frown morphed into an involuntary smile at the sound of her laughter, though. “Well, thanks.” He said, “I think law school would have just drained the life right out of me. I’ve seen the lives of my father’s friends, and I don’t think that’s any way to live, not for me anyway. I need spontaneity. Life’s too short to spent it fixing other people’s mistakes. ” Silas pulled out one of the little wooden blocks and set it on top of the pile before speaking again. “I can’t imagine giving in to what he wanted, my father.” He said softly, “So, why did you do it for so long? If you don’t mind me asking, that is.” Maybe it was because she just wanted their approval; he knew exactly how that felt, or maybe she just didn’t know what to do and just went with what she thought was best for her. He didn’t really know, but he wanted to find out.

[Dani]

“It’s not stupid at all,” Erica replied. “I think it’s wonderful that you’re able to express your feelings so clearly.” She certainly couldn’t do something like that. Her feelings couldn’t easily be translated on paper into neat and concise sentences. They were a big jumbled mess that even she couldn’t understand. She wished that they were simple. She wished that she could go back to just being happy most of the time with only occasional bouts of sadness or anger. It was much easier to have emotions that you could put a label on, instead of having several random ones all at once. “I don’t really know you that well, so I’m not really sure what you mean when you say ‘someone like you’, but I assure you that I don’t find it strange that you’ve found a way to cope with your feelings. If anything, I admire you for it.”

She set another wooden block on top of the pile as she thought back over her childhood. “I thought I wanted what they wanted. It was all that I ever knew. Everything my mother said was right and anything that contradicted it was wrong. I never really disagreed with her or questioned her. I just knew what was expected of me and acted accordingly. I didn’t want to be a disappointment. My brother….he always kind of went against her. I thought he was weird for doing so, but now I get it. And now he’s gone…..I can’t tell him….” Her voice trailed off as she wiped away a tear from her eye. I’m not going to cry…..I’m not going to cry….. She looked back over at the stack of Jenga blocks. “It’s your turn now.”

[Alisha]

Silas shook his head a bit. “Thanks, but I can’t say that things come out very clearly a lot of the time. Right now it’s kind of just muddled thoughts and feelings, sometimes memories.” As the words continued to leave his mouth, unbidden and free, he tried once again to remind himself that the more he told her, the more she knew and the more she know, the more power she would have over him. Though, he didn’t think that Erica was the type to use his secrets against him, Silas was still skeptical about leaving that safe bubble that kept him safe… even if that bubble left him lonely most of the time. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s hard, letting it out sometimes. I’d always thought it just made me vulnerable, telling people my issues. But, once everything is off my chest, I feel a million times better.” He wasn’t really sure why, but around her, it was like he was an open book. The more he told himself to just shut up, the more he said.

Silas waited patiently for her reply to his question, be it her changing the subject or an actual answer to what he had asked. He wondered what it would have been like if he had been in her position. Having his mother around had given him the perspective, allowed him to find what he’d loved and provided the encouragement he needed. He was sure if he had not had the insight, he probably would have gone off to law school with no qualms. He nodded silently; “I understand that. I never wanted to be a disappointment to my dad. I wasn’t until he threw himself into his work and kind of forgot who I was. I mean, he knew who I was, but he didn’t know who I was, you know?” Silas shook his head again, a little frustrated. He hated when he trouble finding the right words for what he wanted to say. His expression softened with her tear-filled eyes, a small frown resting on his face. Silas blew out a breath and smiled, taking one of the wooden blocks out at random. “You know,” He said reassuringly, “Sometimes words don’t need to be said, sometimes you just know. Your brother… He did things a little differently than you did, he knew what he wanted and went for it. So, maybe he just knew, whatever you didn’t get to say. He probably knew you’d figure it out sooner or later.”

[Dani]

Erica’s tear-stained eyes grew bigger as she listened to him explain. It was like he could see right through her. Her feelings were well past muddled. Her memories were much clearer, but she couldn’t even say them out loud, let alone write them down. “I know just what you mean. I guess I’ll have to go somewhere and buy myself a notebook. Do you know of someplace where I could go buy one? You probably know this town like the back of your hand now.” She had no idea what she was going to do with the rest of her life, but she knew that she had to find a notebook as soon as possible. The thought of writing her feelings down was scary, but it was worth a try. Maybe it would help give her the confidence to finally go and see her family. “I’m not really sure where to start writing my thoughts down. They just all come at once.”

She nodded her head again as she put another block on the tower, completely relating to being a disappointment. “I became a disappointment when I was eighteen,” she said, thinking of her college rejection letter. “I was fine before that. I managed to keep that disappointment a secret though. They’re disappointed in me now though because of the whole wedding thing.” Even though she didn’t regret doing what she did, it still cut like a knife to hear her mother on the phone actually saying “We’re so disappointed in you….” It was her worst fear coming true. She wished Rhett was here with her now, taking this journey along with her. He would have helped her feel less alone. “Thank-you,” she said softly. She wanted to believe Silas, wanted to believe that Rhett knew that she would eventually figure things out. “I hope you’re right.” Feeling slightly comforted, she wrapped her arms around Silas and gave him a hug. It seemed an odd thing to do to someone that she had just met. In her mind, she justified it as an affectionate way of saying thank-you.

[Alisha]

Silas chuckled slightly with her question]and assumption that he knew the town like the back of his hand. Though he had spent summers here as a kid, the place had changed so much in the years that he had been gone. The fact that he had pretty much been a hermit since his arrival in Riverside had ensured that he wasn’t very well-versed in what the city had to offer. He did know a few things though. “Not exactly, I don’t really get out much.” He admitted. “But, I’m pretty sure there’s a dollar store down the street; next to the place that sells ice cream.” Silas smiled, he knew how it felt to have everything in your life take a complete 180 degree turn, leaving you dizzy and lost. He had been lost for years, he was still lost. “I started with one event or memory, and just wrote about it and all the things I was feeling at the time.”

With a frown, Silas shook his head. He hated when parents tried to coerce their children into doing what they wanted them to do. Sure, it was okay in some cases, but when the expectations began to affect their self-esteem, enough was enough. He was sorry that Erica had been her mother’s pawn for so long, most likely not even realizing how much she was being controlled until she was forced to skip town and start over. “I don’t know about you, but I can’t imagine ever forcing one of my kids to marry someone.” He said, shaking his head in annoyance. “I would just want them to be happy. If they wanted to spend their life in the Peace Corps or barely scraping by on minimum wage, I wouldn’t try and change that, as long as they were happy, you know? Who cares about wealth or prestige when your miserable trying to maintain that image?” Silas was shocked when she rose from her seat and pulled him into a hug, not that he was complaining, and he wrapped his arms around her as well. It was actually kind of nice. It had been so long since he had had a real hug. “You’re welcome,” He said softly in reply. “I’m glad I could help.”

[Dani]

Erica chuckled back and nodded her head. “Yeah, a dollar store would probably work. I’m not really picky about the type of notebook. I just need one.” The more she thought of it, the dollar store was the perfect solution. It would not only help her find a notebook, but it was yet another place that her mother wouldn’t be caught dead in. “I don’t shop at the dollar store. I only purchase expensive, high quality merchandise. No discount for this family…..” Yup, Erica was boldly going where her mother hadn’t gone before and she was proud of it. Maybe she’d treat herself to ice cream afterwards as a celebration. She needed to save her money, but she doubted that an ice cream cone would bankrupt her.

“Yeah, I would never force my kids to marry someone either. It’s just wrong, on so many levels.” She couldn’t believe how selfish her mother had been. The part that disgusted her the most was that she had been like that her entire life and her behavior was considered normal to Erica. Her mother had known that Paul had cheated on her, with her best friend of all people, but yet she still sprung ahead with the secret wedding, only concerned about financial gain and nothing else. If only her mother had thought like Silas did. She remained in his arms, keeping her arms wrapped around him as well. “You’ve helped me so much,” she replied, looking up at him. Her gaze drifted downward from his eyes to his mouth. Curiosity got the best of her as she leaned in closer and gently brushed her lips against his. Oh my god, what did I just do? She quickly pulled away and went back to the stack of blocks. “Uhhhh whose turn is it now?”

[Alisha]

Silas gave a sympathetic smile. It saddened him that her parents had been doing this to her for her whole life, whereas he knew what it was like to be pushed to do the things you love. His father hadn’t become manipulative until after his mother had passed away. He had chalked it down to the grief at first, but when it just continued to get worse and he saw himself giving in rather than fighting him on it. That was, until he left Palm Springs and its wealthy perfection behind for the sleepy summer town that housed his cousins, whom he had yet to speak to since his arrival in Riverside nearly eight months ago. Erica herself had only just recently figured it out, and he didn’t even know if she truly understood what her newfound freedom entailed. He had spent so long hiding himself from the world, opting to wallow and simmer with sadness and anger and bitterness towards his father, that he had almost missed it himself. He was free, and the little time he had spent with Erica was starting to help him see that.

When Erica’s gaze drifted from his eyes to his lips, Silas’ heartbeat quickened in his chest. She couldn’t possibly be doing what he thought she was going to do, could she? They didn’t know each other well, though it was quite possible that he knew more about her already than most others did entirely. His thoughts quieted for that one small moment when she pressed her lips against his, but the moment they parted, his mind kicked into overdrive. This didn’t make it any easier to form words, though. In fact, it made things much more complicated. He stared at her for a moment, unblinking, his face an emotionless mask. “W-what was that?” He eventually forced out, leaning a bit closer to her.

[Dani]

Still in shock over what she had just done, Erica took a step back, nearly knocked over the tower of Jenga blocks. What was that? It was a kiss….I just kissed you….. Even though she was in shock, she had still enjoyed the kiss, despite the fact that it was a brief and fleeting soft brush of lips and not the passionate open-mouthed smooch that she was currently visualizing in her mind. Yes, she wanted to do it again. She knew that they had just met a few days earlier and barely knew each other, but she couldn’t stop herself from mentally longing for another kiss. She looked into his azure blue eyes, desperately searching them for some kind of reaction. Did he like it as much as she did or did he feel that it was mistake? Unfortunately, she couldn’t find the answer at all in his eyes. There was no emotion in them whatsoever. Chalking it up to negative feedback, she stepped back a little further. “I-I don’t know,” she said eventually. “I-I…..” She sat down on the bed, trying not to look at his lips and recall how soft they were.